When Sarah and I were talking about what I should be blogging about it right now, she said this song immediately came into her mind. And this is what life feels like right now. I’m 2.5 months into my call as Associate Pastor here at First Presbyterian Church in Ashland. I’ve been ordained and installed, we got settled into our home here in Ashland, we had a beautiful baby boy, I had a short time off for some paternity leave…and now it’s back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now.
For those of you who have been in ministry much longer than I am, and have families and children, you can go ahead and enjoy reading this post of a newbie and please feel free to share your infinite wisdom with me. But it’s evident that life will never be the same again. Our marriage will never be the same, our priorities have been changed and my days off have become “Okay – take the baby!” I’m starting to settle into my job at the church, but there are still days that I’m clueless as to what I’m supposed to be doing. My office is a constant mess. And as with any job, you always learn more about the church (both its strengths AND it’s “growing edges”) after you accept the job.
All of this leads me to wonder how it all works? How do I find time for myself when coming home now means that Sarah is more than willing to relinquish the baby into my care so she can nap, get some work done or just relax? How do I spend the time I feel is necessary to read, study and reflect deeply on my ministry when I need to find more Sunday School teachers, continue to learn how this church does things from potlucks, to expense reports, and pastoral care visits? Where do Sarah and I find the time to sit with each other, catch each other up on our days, and cultivate our marriage when we’re both exhausted at the end of the day and she’s ready for bed, and I’m ready to get in some “Adam time” by doing things like writing this blog post?
I keep thinking to myself, “We’ll find our rhythm soon…we’ll get into a good routine” – but I sometimes wonder if that is just a ruse, a “pie in the sky” dream that may not actually be attainable with all that we have going on? Certainly my monthly talks with my spiritual director help. And being able to hold that beautiful baby boy of ours and just look into his eyes seems to make everything else seem much less pressing…but I find myself, during those moments when things all seem just a bit crazy, looking around like David After Dentist, and asking, “Is this real life?”
One of the most surprising – and draining – things that i have experienced in my first three years of ministry is that there is no such thing as a routine. Part of the joy of ministry is its flexibility and spontaneity. But part of the exhausting nature of ministry is its flexibility and spontaneity. No two weeks are the same for me – some weeks I have evening meetings and other weeks not, most Sunday nights we have high school group but not all, sometimes I get my full Friday off and sometimes I need to stop into church. And then, I can’t imagine any of this gets better or easier when you are new parents…or old parents, for that matter.
One of my own goals and challenges is to make the most of the strange gaps of time that I am given. I’m not always good at it. It always seems easier to kill a free hour with reading blogs and playing around on the internet than it does to commit to strapping on my running shoes and going out for a jog. But I’m trying to get better at being intentional with how I fill the free gaps in my schedule, and I’d pray that you are able to start to find ways of doing so as well.
Blessings and peace to you during all of these new beginnings!
Melissa’s right about there being no routine and about that being both the agony and the ecstasy of the work we do. I’ve had to let go of my expectations of my own piety. Tim Keel helped me think through this years before I was even married, when he described his time with his kids as his “devotional” time. I think the challenge is to attend to the quotidian joys and frustrations of the household in a pious way, ala Luther. I haven’t figured out how to do that, but I feel much better with that as my aim instead of hours of uninterrupted individual study. Peace be with you guys.
Adam,
I read your blog today, and by the way we are on vacation in Mexico!, and I was overcome with emotion. Okay that is pretty normal for me anyway but it made me want to say something. I remember the days when my husband would come home from work and I had spent my days with a screaming infant (or later on, a child who was like the Engergizer bunny) and would expect him to know what I had been through all day. But of course he was working all day with crazy clients and wanted some peace at home. Yikes. We somehow made it through those years but what I wish I could do is go back and try and find a way to turn off the “noise” and enjoy the beauty of a growing family. Of a daughter that challenged me in so many ways (and continues to do so).
When we were in that situation we did not have anyone close to us living nearby and had to do all the childcare on our own. Eventually we found a daycare that worked alright… but we had really no one to reach out to for help. We were on our own. But I don’t think that is the way it is supposed to work. I truly believe that we are here on the planet to help each other. I think it is part of the plan that we overlook…. thinking we must do this all on our own. Phooey on that.
And the same goes for your ministry. You are a part of the plan… and we are lucky to have you… but you are not the only part. You are not meant to save FP on your own. We all need to have a hand in that…. so ask for help there too.
So, that’s my two cents for tonight. Take it with a grain or two of salt and with all the good intentions with which it was sent.
very truly,
Karen
Dear Adam,
First, congratulations on your son to both you and your wife! I have been following your blog for a few months now- and look forward to each post you make.
You and your wife have been through an extreme amount of change recently…. and even when those changes are great they take a toll. As a minister you are not expected to be less human but maybe more- and being real, with your words today, will only encourage others to see their times of weakness as an opportunity to share and allow others to undergird them through the process.
There have been so many moments in my life- I am a Mom of six kids- when I honestly didn’t believe at the start of a day I could make it through, let alone be competent at taking care of my flock. So I turned to God and asked for strength- and somedays I asked every hour if necessary. His grace met me then and continues to meet me today- as I know it will meet you now.
Praying for you,
Danese
Routine never occurs in ministry…good post…
I came to your blog from the church relevant site top 200 list. They have created a tremendous forum for finding new blogs that impact people.
I hope my blog can be an encouragement to you also.
I write it for encouragement and motivation daily.
http://i-never-fail.blogspot.com
Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to watching the connections grow!
“How do I find time for myself…? How do I spend the time I feel is necessary to read, study and reflect deeply on my ministry…? Where do Sarah and I find the time to sit with each other, catch each other up on our days, and cultivate our marriage…?”
You don’t.
At least not anywhere close to as much as you used to and not in many of the ways that you used to. That time for yourself is gone. I’ve been looking for it for the last seven years since my son was born and haven’t found it yet. I haven’t found it as he’s got older, or in a different job, or when our daughter came into our family.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss it. That doesn’t mean that I don’t ask the exact same questions on a regular basis that you are asking. But good parents sacrifice a huge part of themselves, their life and their time when they have children.
IMO, that’s the dirty little secret of parenting.
But here’s the other secret that I am still discovering…
…it’s worth it.
I have to agree with what a couple people have already said…your ability to be super consistent about getting time for yourself, or for just you and your wife, is over – for a season. It wont always be this way, but when your kids are small this is just how it is.
It gets better, but it comes slowly. Our son is 11 and it’s just been in the last year that we feel we’ve gotten some of this freedom back.
By all means you should grab time for yourself or with Sarah when you can. 5 min is better than nothing. Just because you can’t be super consistent doesnt mean you’ll never have time, it just means you have to catch it when you can, and lean into the sacrifice of parenting when you can’t.
As a pastor with almost grown sons, I want to encourage you to find a way NOW to orient your life toward your family. The church and ministry’s demands and the calling are ever-present and as harsh as this may sound — you and God are in charge of caring for you and yours. The days go quickly by — think how much Caleb has changed in his month’s journey with you. And if you can’t think of it, then look at the pictures of then and now.
It is not that you are totally alone. Many at the church you serve (and others, I imagine) stand ready and willing to help in whatever ways make the most sense to you at the church and to you and Sarah in your home life, if you want. Don’t be satisfied with just a few moments for your primary relationships — as tempting as it is to think and feel that the church needs your ministry (and it does), a minister is much more able to pastor and function if they practice self-care, including family and partner time. My unsolicited advice is to plan it in and do so starting now.
It is easy to think you will cut back later, but you actually establish patterns early on that are hard to break on everyone’s part. Expectations from the church build according to what you give and it is very difficult to curtail things “later” after you have the hang of things, etc. Make time for yourself and your family now. It’s about boundaries.
And about that messy desk . . . managing the “mess” can be part of the job of a pastor, parent . . . etc. Sometimes “managing” means letting it go.
Your life and lives have changed; may you and your family remain open to each other and the moving of the Spirit in the midst of this change.
Blessings
I know it’s hard to believe but you and Sarah will eventually find a rhythm that works for y’all as a parents, husband/wife and pastors. 6 months or year from now you’ll be amazed at how you are able to find time to do all of it. Takes a lot of time to adjust.
Trick is to not overanalyze or underestimate. Go one day at a time. Baby steps, baby steps. And like other folks have said, it’s all worth it.
Congrats on the new baby!
Things may not “get easier”…but I do think you will get into more of a routine, especially as your little one grows older.
And then again…maybe not :D
(but I hope so)