Sex and youth ministry. Not necessarily words that normally go together, right? I’d say it’s pretty safe to say that as a whole, we’ve really let our youth down when it comes to talking about sex at church. Before seminary, I served as the Director of Youth Ministries at a small church, and I can pretty safely say that we talked about sex once. One time. In two years.
I’m currently on year two in my current position as Minister for Youth & Young Adults, and while we talked about sex for one month during Sunday School, that’s still only four times in over a year and a half. Four times. I wonder if they are getting information about sex from other sources throughout their weeks? I’d guess that they hear TONS of wrong/bad/unhelpful/unsafe information about sex at school – a lot more than four times a day…
Part of our problem with not wanting to talk about sex in church is that many of us aren’t quite sure what to say. We aren’t sure we did everything right, we aren’t sure that we “know enough” to share with the young people in our churches…we have many good excuses.
And let’s be honest…most of the Christian sex curriculum out there…well, it’s pretty bad. Some of it downright sucks. And perhaps that’s just another good excuse.
So, what’s the answer? Take all of our kids to a True Love Waits event and have them make the True Love Waits pledge?
“Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate, and my future children to a lifetime of purity including sexual abstinence from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship.”
I’m pretty sure that’s not the answer…even though I did take the pledge once when I was at Nazarene Youth Congress in 1995.
If True Love Waits and other abstinence-only focused sexuality programs aren’t the answer, what is…? Unfortunately, I don’t know that I have the answer – but I do have a lot of questions:
- How do we best talk with the youth in our programs about sex & sexuality?
- How do we live lives that are examples of healthy sexualities for our youth?
- And what should our expectations REALLY be in this area when we really only see them for a couple hours out of their busy weeks?
- Is the church really the place that youth should be getting information about sex/sexuality? Surely it should be a place where they feel safe to ask questions and a place where they feel it’s okay to talk about sex – but is it the primary place they should be relying upon?
I’d love to hear some of your questions – or if you have any thoughts on this issue, please share in the comments below.
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- A Program-Less Youth Ministry ‘Program’
- Top 20 Youth Ministry Blogs of 2010
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Our Whole Lives, the sexuality education curriculum produced jointly by the United Church of Christ and the Unitarian Universalists, is really good. I’d recommend checking it out. It’s comprehensive, and adaptable to different theological commitments.
I’ve never used it, but I’ve heard good things about the curricula developed jointly by UU & UCC churches called “our whole lives.”
Good questions. But let’s also keep some perspective on what we’re about by inverting one of your assumptions:
You said, “Four times. I wonder if they are getting information about sex from other sources throughout their weeks? I’d guess that they hear TONS of wrong/bad/unhelpful/unsafe information about sex at school – a lot more than four times…”
Yes, but how often do they hear about the Gospel from their friends? How often do they hear about Jesus from us? Our primary role is not to counter bad/unhelpful information about sex. Our role is to communicate Good News to youth — which at times might include good news about sexuality, but is ultimately oriented to Jesus Christ.
I’m a HUGE fan of Theology of the Body For Teenagers (Jason & Crystalina Evert)
It’s Not Just about sex…it’s about how we can discover God & our purpose in our very God-given design. This idea really permeates every aspect of the Good News & our very being. It’s sort of a revolutionary idea that’s almost like a ticking timebomb set to go off this century even though it’s been being revealed since Adam & Eve. It changed everything for me, personally :)
To talk about sexuality 2-4 times in as many years with TEENAGERS is REALLY missing the boat in youth ministry. Focusing on “Just Saying No” without the “Why” from a Christian perspective is unsatisfactory at best.
Another great book for the older College and above crowd – Christopher West’s The Good News About Sex & Marriage.
Let me k ow what you think…
Great questions – and I’ve got a million more. We’re trying to tackle this very issue with our own youth group – and a lot of them have already been active in ways I would never have considered possible in middle school. Some are bi-curious. Boundaries seem to be passe’ – we hear about “conquest contests” for both guys and girls – and with kids that are front and center Sundays and Wednesdays.
So I find myself having to have discussions that are less about the act of sex, and more about self-esteem and worth with the girls – who are getting messages from everywhere that that sex=power and not purity.
In short, I need a book called, “I didn’t wait, so what, now what?”
I don’t think you should despair too much about the number of times you talk about sex in youth group – the conversations that are most impacting for youth are those that occur outside of church anyway.
….which means that along with talking about sex in youth group settings, we need to help the parents, grandparents, other adults and the youth themselves learn how to talk about sex.
along those lines, I think you’d be surprised at how much dysfunction and icky thinking there is about sex amongst the adults in your church. If churches don’t also address that – all the talking about sex in youth group isn’t going to mean diddly.
also, just a small point of distinction – I’m sure you mean this when you say “sex” but we need more holistic talk about our sexuality which only in a small portion involves the sex act.
I definitely don’t know exactly how or when to talk about sex at church but as the parent of one of your youth I do feel that church should be part of the answer. Our children should be getting information from home, school and church. Talking to a youth pastor or other adult at church should be a safe place for our kids to bring up questions and feelings that they might not be comfortable talking about with their parents or at school. Let’s face it we can’t watch them 24 hours a day so they need as much good information as possible to help them make good decisions and the chances of that coming from their friends is pretty low.
Is the church really the place that youth should be getting information about sex/sexuality? Surely it should be a place where they feel safe to ask questions and a place where they feel it’s okay to talk about sex – but is it the primary place they should be relying upon?
You are right sex and youth ministry is like oil and water. It just doesn’t mix well. I tried doing a sex series a year and half ago and it went okay. After doing the sex series, I decided that doing these type of series is not the best idea.
I think sex series are forms of behavior modification. If you do X, then surely you believe. How many times have we done sex talks and our teens are still having sex? To me the bigger problem is realizing why teenagers are having sex like rabbits on Viagra?
Acceptance? Loneliness? Curiosity?
Is the church really the place that youth should be getting information about sex/sexuality? Yes, but in more intimate settings. I think the most productive sex talks happen in a smaller context. And be prepared to talk about a lot of X-rated stuff. It blew me away how much vocabulary I learned when engaging in our mini-sex talks.
As youth pastors I don’t think we signed up to be teenage sex therapists. I think churches should be a secondary support system for sexuality. Once a month in my mid week talks, I will allude to what Jesus thinks about teenage sexuality.
My wife and I used to go into high schools (twelve years ago) and talk about sex with teenagers. We were instructed to discuss abstinence and reasons for waiting. But when the kids got honest, they just didn’t seem to hear a good reason for waiting. It was likely one of the few things that felt good in their lives and combated the loneliness. It wasn’t just about being horny. It was about connecting with someone.
But what did capture their attention were the dialogs about dignity. When we began to share how valuable each person was, it changed the room. When we focused on waiting for the sake of valuing oneself, they could begin to see something worth fighting for. This was true for boys, but especially true for girls. They seemed to fundamentally get that they wanted to be valued, but sex was not the best way to achieve it.
We used the Good Sex curriculum to create a small group bible study last year just talking about sex. It was by far the best stuff I’ve ever used in youth ministry relating to sex. Not only was it a good curriculum, it helped teach me a lot about how to approach the subject as a youth pastor.
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Sex-2-0-Curriculum-Kit/dp/0310282683/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262280491&sr=8-1
I think it’s easy to tell kids in a youth group setting not to have sex and have them sign a pledge not to have sex. hey I did it! but i think that is just dealing with the symptoms and not getting to the root of the issue.
How many young men who have solid male mentors are pressuring their girlfriends into having sex?
How many young women who have positive father-figures in their lives think seek a sexual relationship and think that will be something that will fill any emptiness that they are feeling?
How many teens who have a positive family core will seek attention in any way they can… sometimes through relationships based on sex?
the lack of men stepping up and being men, the lack of men and women being God-honoring parents… these are just two of the issues, of many, that need to addresses.
This past fall i heard a pastor say that Youth Ministers need to stop teaching morality and need to start teaching Jesus. Once we start teaching Jesus… the moral stuff will come.
I took a sex, dating, and relationships class that was offered by my church; a 6-week program that talked all about sex, how God views it (He made it and wanted it to be pleasurable!! But in the right setting), how we should view it (Song of Songs), what impact it makes in our lives, the fallout of not waiting, etc. Covered tremendous ground with it in my opinion. I took notes and committed a lot to memory and its also helped in my own ministry to high school age teens.
I really like “Our Whole Lives” curriculum, which gets at some of those broader issues like self-esteem that have been mentioned.
What I don’t like about it is the way that the denominational publishing folks require you to be “trained” before you can buy it. Uncharacteristically controlling for UCC/UU folks. I suppose it’s about controlling the negative spin, but it’s irritating!
Hi Adam, I’m a “lurker,” and I always enjoy your posts. I am a youth director, in the ordination process in the UCC, and nearing seminary graduation. I agree with others that Our Whole Lives (OWL) is an exceptional curriculum. I am a trained OWL teacher, and I believe the training was important, as it helped me as a teacher be more effective.
I spent much of last year doing a modified version of OWL and talking with my youth about healthy sexuality – they get fairly good information about sexual intercourse, risks, and protection from school and parents. What’s missing, I think, is for youth to have a safe place to talk about integration of sexuality and spirituality.
I was raised in an evangelical church that did not teach me that my body and desires were God-given (except that magically, in marriage, those desires supposedly become “good”). I did not learn until my 20s how to begin to integrate sexuality – a major part of what it means to be human – and spirituality – also a major component of what it means to be human. Regardless of a particular congregation’s stance on sexual behavior, I think that faith communities may be the only place (if not in the family) where young people learn to love and respect their own bodies and to discover healthy ways to express their God-given sexuality.
Here’s more info on OWL: http://www.ucc.org/justice/sexuality-education/our-whole-lives.html
Also, here is an annotated bibliography of sexuality education resources: http://www.religiousinstitute.org/online-guide/annotated-bibliography-of-sexuality-education-curricula
I think we need to talk about sex the way kids learn about it.
Sure, they might get a couple of classes at school, but for the most part they pick up what they see on TV and what their friends are telling them. Hopefully (or not) they might have picked up a few attitudes from their parents too.
Sitting down and specifically talking about sex once or twice a year might be enough, as long as we back it up properly. How are the leaders (especially the ones mentoring kids) living out their sexuality? Do we treat sex like a taboo subject? Do we make sure their are positive and wholesome images around the place?
Also, what do we do when we find out our kids have been having sex? Do we blame ourselves? Do we berate them? Do we mourn ‘lost innocence’? Do we take comfort in the fact that we’ve taught these kids well, and at the very least we know there’s a reasonable chance there won’t be any pregnancies or STIs resulting from the encounter?
One last question: how do we talk about homosexuality? This will largely be shaped by the ‘official’ opinions of the church, but it’s something we need to think about, and we need to be aware that any of the kids in our church could have tendencies not regarded as the norm.
As a lesbian I would just ask you not to forget your gay kids. As bad as churches are at dealing with sex among hetero kids, they’re abysmal at dealing with gay kids. If you can’t acknowledge someone’s sexuality, you can’t help someone build a responsible sexual ethic.
I agree with Jeremy Zach that a lot of sex talks at church are mostly focused on behavioral modification, not heart modification. I’m not a huge fan of addressing the outside symptoms (and consequences) of sin when really the core issue is a matter of the heart. I prefer to keep taking kids deep into God’s Word and letting the Holy Spirit transform them from the inside out and let their biblical values direct all other areas of their life, including sex.
That said, I definitely don’t shy away from the topic of sex by any means. We discuss it as it comes up (which happens quite frequently when the guys separate from the girls, actually), but usually in context of a bigger spiritual principle.
I was able to get the OWL curriculum without the training. I just called the number and paid the fee and they sent it to my church. A word of caution – be prepared to take some heat from parents about this curriculum depending upon your congregational context.
I think the main goal for sexuality education in youth groups should be to set youth up to make wise decisions in the midst of what will seem like morally ambiguous situations. Drawing too many black and white boundaries for them doesn’t let them “own” their own sexual ethics and is fodder for later guilt and acting out. That said there are some minimalist black and white lines that I don’t think anyone would disagree with – both parties consent, etc.
I try to speak from my heart and experience on this subject (in addition to formal curriculum) and here are some points that I stressed:
- Raising a child is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. If you have sex, you should be ready to raise a child, because that will be a possibility.
- Don’t beat yourself up about anything you’ve done in the past. God’s grace is always present.
- Masturbation is a healthy activity and there is no reason to feel guilty about it.
- The church has historically demonized “sexual sins” more than other sins, but there is no good justification for this.
- Life is full of moral ambiguity – just try to be as faithful as you can in the midst of it all.
I really resonate with the comments that are in favor of getting to the root of the issue. For instance, many girls do end up having sex (or flaunting their sexuality in general) because of the need for connection and intimacy. And yes, the absence of a good father figure does often increase this drive. There are many more reasons, and there are chemical forces at hand, to be sure, but I think the best approach is one of a missional mindset, focusing on the heart.
How are we facilitating intimacy in relationships for these kids? Are there holiday parties and sleepovers and movie nights and other great other-than-Wednesday-and-Sunday options? Is true community being offered? I find that youth can best hold each other up when they are truly connected relationally. Then the temptation to engage sexually isn’t as strong, and there is support in times of weakness. Not only that, but there is motivation to uphold a standard agreed upon by a group of peers.
Jonathan, your reference to personal dignity is the big tie-in for me here. They need to have a reason to pursue abstinence in the first place when so much inside and outside of them is crying for the opposite. When they have common dreams and goals, just like us old folks (you know, us peeps over the age of 25), it is easier to attain them when they strive for them in community.
I’m convinced that for GenX and beyond, we need a totally new paradigm of good Christian Sex. Luckily, we have a great one in the Papal Encyclical, Evangelium Vitae. There’s a lot more to John Paul II’s Theology of the Body- but here’s my favorite concept that would greatly reduce teenage and unwanted pregnancy:
Sex is primarily a prayer. It’s a prayer for two things: the unity of a married couple, and for the blessing of children in a marriage. Why would you pray for unity with a person that you don’t intend to spend the rest of your life with? Why would you pray for children at a time in your life when you have no way to take care of those children?
It is a perversion of the intent of the prayer to use it in other ways. For instance, use of birth control in marriage is asking for children when actively preventing God from giving you children-talk about sending God a mixed message! Or extramarital sex with a person that you intend to leave, possibly even before children can arrive; you’re praying for unity with somebody that you’re not sure you want to be unified with? How is that anything like love?
Recreational sex is a lie. It’s a lie to your partner, it is lying to God. It is in fact taking pleasure in the eventual pain of others, and possibly even your own pain down the road. Human beings were not meant to live like this.
That’s a good introduction- and teenagers are smarter than we think. I’d use that as an introduction to Pope John Paul II’s Evangelium Vitae- and Pope Paul VI’s Humanae Vitae- and use those as your textbooks to good Christian sexual attitudes.
Ted, I’m curious about your position on this: should sex-as-prayer always have both parts (unity & blessing of potential children)?
I definitely think the unity part is always there–and vitally important. I’m not so sure about the children/procreation part. Would that mean that I shouldn’t condone the marriage (and sexual expression) of two seniors past child-bearing age? What about married couples where for some reason they are not capable of intercourse or bearing children?
I do understand that this procreation angle reflects the Roman Catholic understanding of sexuality. But maybe the focus on sex as a prayer for unity (and fidelity to covenant) is enough for us Protestants?
“Our Whole Lives” is an excellent curriculum for inviting generative conversation and providing helpful information. It comes complete with suggestions for interactive, thought-provoking activities. I found it to be very helpful when I was a youth minister. It’s written as a secular resource, so it can be used in many different contexts. If you use it in a religious context, ya just gotta draw out the theology yourself – which is often more helpful that prefab theology that is forced on every context that uses it! It’s good practice to think theologically for ourselves, anyway. And that’s the point of another excellent book: “Transforming Christian Theology” by Philip Clayton. There’s a lot of good stuff out there right now!
What worries me in many of the comments above are the seemingly uncontested assumptions about teen sexuality: that all kids are heterosexual, that teenage girls have sex because they have low self-esteem, that teenage boys do because they are sexual aggressors, that recreational sex is bad bad bad and has no substance in a human life, and that there are no reproductive choices for girls (and boys!) who have sex.
Perhaps the first step to effective sex ed everywhere is to acknowledge that teens are sexual beings, and that sexuality is quite complicated. It’s custom-made by every person who walks this earth, and prescriptions will often alienate a significant majority of people, leaving them with only cliches and no real decision-making skills.
I like the approach that goes back to the gospel. When you “do to others what you would have them do to you” and “love thy neighbor” you have great power to make sexual decisions without the shame or the ick. You don’t have to fit yourself into a sexual type or role or expectation. You simply have to use mindful actions and recognize the dignity of your fellow human.
The day I left behind sexual prescriptions and embraced love for others was the day my sexuality became real to me. The day I found a church that had done the same was the day I was able to enter into more meaningful relationship with God.
Our Whole Lives actually has 2 components: the core curriculum, which is designed so that it can be used by any group, and a companion manual with sections developed by the United Church of Christ and the Unitarian Universalist Association. This companion manual gives suggestions for how to relate the material theologically, so you’re not entirely on your own…I am most familiar with the UCC part of the manual, which has suggested scriptures, music, and liturgies to go with the different components of the curriculum.
It’s important to note that OWL is fully inclusive – including sections on gender identity/expression and same sex relationships. Healthy sexual relationships are defined, in OWL, as consensual, nonexploitative, mutually pleasurable, safe, developmentally appropriate, based on mutual expectations and caring, and respectful. While it does not assume abstinence, one of the OWL program assumptions is that “it is healthier for young adolescents to postpone intercourse.”
For those whose personal and/or congregational theological commitments require you to teach abstinence until marriage, and who do not affirm same sex relationships, OWL is probably not the right curriculum for you. The annotated bibliography I referenced in an earlier post might be a better place to look for other resources.
I believe that the gospel of Jesus is holistic and includes our sense of self, particularly our bodies and sexuality. I try to help youth seek to follow the way of Jesus, a way of truth, love, justice, authenticity, and integrity (meaning integration of our whole selves). I don’t see a way to teach that without addressing sexuality in very direct and frank discussions. Youth are learning about sex and sexuality from school, their peers, media, and hopefully their parents. It seems to me that the church is the place where they can learn how to integrate their God-given sexuality into a healthy and affirming sense of self and self-in-relationship.
Highly, HIGHLY recommend Rob Bell’s “Sex God”. It’s about as un-legalistic as you can get for such a subject, and gives really good reasons for waiting that go beyond scare tactics.
Travis – I share your concern with some of the comments which are basically just echos of the icky stuff I was taught growing up that I fortunately was able to overcome.
nice post, adam.
A great film on the impact of youth ministry in teens’ lives, and a must see for youth leaders and students alike. It does a great job of discussing teen pregnancy as well. http://www.tosavealife.com
Talking to teens about sex is important because it gets a dialogue going and shows that it's something you can, and should, talk about. I am discussing this on my blog (http://bit.ly/aDIdVB) right now, and most people are saying that their church never talked about sex – except for reading "Why Wait" of course. So seize "teachable moments" and address sexual issues as they come up. Even if the teens seem to tune it out, they are listening and learning that it's important to be thoughtful about sexuality.
In addition, studies show that kids/teens want their parents to be their primary source of information about sex. And even more than "information," they want to know what their parents think about sex (ie. their values). The key, then, is to equip the parents to make their home a safe place to talk about sex, but in order to do that you have to get the parents talking about sex and thinking through their values. That may be the real challenge.