A Centering Prayer Virgin’s Story: My First Time
August 5, 2007
It was my first time, and it was messy. I didn’t really know what to do, and it was awkward. I thought I was going to like it, but…unfortunately, I didn’t. And I’m embarrassed to say that, because I really want to like it (and not just because they hate it). I like people who like it, and it seems kind of pathetic that I wouldn’t have able to do it my first time…
Centering prayer is described as follows:
Centering Prayer is a method of prayer, which prepares us to receive the gift of God’s presence, traditionally called contemplative prayer. It consists of responding to the Spirit of Christ by consenting to God’s presence and action within. It furthers the development of contemplative prayer by quieting our faculties to cooperate with the gift of God’s presence. 1
It happened in chapel at the hospital a few weeks ago. A friend of mine went through a lot of trouble in preparation for leading us in centering prayer (including bringing his fancy Zen Alarm Clock). He gave us some basic instructions including the instruction to pick a “sacred word” to meditate on. I think I was screwed from right there. I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I got all paranoid that I would pick the “wrong” sacred word, and then the centering prayer wouldn’t work. I eventually settled on spirit, I think. But then the silence came, and it came crashing in. I was sitting in the back row, and I couldn’t handle it. In addition to the annoying silence, my legs started to get antsy. I don’t know where this came from, but it reminded me of how my legs felt when our leadership team used to sit on the floor in a circle praying for what seemed like hours at camp before going to check on our cabins. I used to pray fervently that those times of prayer would end quickly, because my legs would get so restless. And then - the feeling came back to me, in a small, multi-faith chapel in the hospital, with my friend up in the front, only with the best intentions…
And the time dragged on. I swore he was going to lead us in centering prayer for the rest of the afternoon, and I knew I was going to have to get up and walk out if he didn’t finish soon. I couldn’t concentrate, my mind was racing with guilt for why I couldn’t do centering prayer, I wished I had chosen a better sacred word and my legs were incredibly restless. And then at last - the final chime of the Zen Clock - I had never been so happy to hear an alarm clock chime.
Granted, this was my first time experiencing centering prayer. I know it won’t be my last - it’s something I’d like to work on, something I’d like to get better at. And while I did laugh about it with my friend, it is still slightly annoying. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t bring myself into a state of relaxation or meditation…but hopefully I’ll get better at it with some practice. Anyone else have unfortunate first encounters with centering prayer, meditation, lectio divina or anything else?
Prayer Request Prayer Requests at www.praying.org
Footnotes Tags: Centering-Prayer, Contemplation, Eastern-Mysticism, Lighthouse-Trails-Research, Meditation, Prayer, Thomas-Keating
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Adam Walker Cleaveland: I am a 28 yr old 
August 6th, 2007 at 3:48 am
Oh I’ve found it impossible at first. It does get easier, although I certainly haven’t had the patience to get very good at it (or the courage really). Hum. Maybe tomorrow.
Anyhow here’s my pretty basic tip - while your mind races *always* return to your word (or I’ve found focusing on my breathing easier than focusing on a word). You might have to return to it a million times in 5 minutes, but in theory next time you’ll only have to do it a million minus one times.
And there’s a ‘meditation timer’ widget you can download for your mac:
http://meditationresources.com/
August 6th, 2007 at 11:34 am
have you tried the labyrinth? The first time I did one, I thought, what’s the big deal? Kept at it when I had a chance a few more times over the years and actually found it on occasion to be a pretty powerful experience. Not sure I’d like centering prayer though…
August 6th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Hey, I came here to say thanks for the birthday wishes, then I discovered you’re a prayer weakling! Wow, sounds like you don’t work out enough. I’m sure Tony Jones is just shaking his lowered head back and forth - he wrote a whole book and even mentioned you in it!
Maybe you need the private prayer closet, or maybe you’re just not really postmodern (or premodern).
Hey looking forward to seeing you once you’re back at Princeton. Come to NYC to hang with Jina and me.
Jeff
August 6th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Jeff - you got right at the heart of my fears — maybe I’m not postmodern - do I have to change my blog name? NO!!!
I know Tony mentioned me in his book - perhaps he’ll take my name out now…I think my section was in the part of his book talking about silence or solitude…am I a fake? :)
Hopefully we can connect in NYC.
August 6th, 2007 at 3:18 pm
Have you ever thought about how personality type factors into the experience? I think meditative things are well suited to some personality types and not others. I’m guessing you know what Myers-Briggs type you are, given the intense battery of those things you get in seminary.
I have one book that’s now out of print that goes into some depth and was very useful, but here’s another that the reviewers seem to like.
Of course, that doesn’t mean we can never learn how to do these things, it’s just that it won’t come naturally or easily.
August 6th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
Some of my friends in college took a class on the spiritual disciplines. One assignment was to spend an entire hour in silence, not reading, not singing, not doing anything. Almost to a person, they fell asleep.
August 6th, 2007 at 10:19 pm
Kate: that’s not surprising: we’re so busy and overworked, I can’t imagine that we wouldn’t fall asleep if given the opportunity. What’s frustrating is when they do it while you’re preaching!
I agree a lot with Dave and think that different personalities are better than others at certain spiritual practices/disciplines. It’s dangerous to try to foist one particular practice as the ‘right’ one for everybody.
August 7th, 2007 at 7:31 am
Sounds pretty charismatic to me, which isn’t a bad thing. Is this the same idea as “praying in the spirit?”
August 7th, 2007 at 10:07 am
Quieting my brain is always difficult for me. One of the best ways I have heard (Fil Anderson) of doing this was to imagine my thoughts as a small child pulling on my pant let for attention. He said that just acknowledging them and telling them they’d have to wait until I could give them the attention they needed later. He called those thoughts the monkeys in the tree of our brain.
Another (I forget who) likened invading thoughts to sailboats on the river that we can notice but let skim by on the water. We didn’t have to board each boat, just wave goodbye on the shore.
Most of the benefit I have from centering and silence doesn’t come in the moment. I always hope it will be the most moving time, it rarely is, but I find it stays with me throughout the day and breaks back in while I go about the tasks I face and gives me the strength I need to get through later.
Fil also talked about our job just being “showing up” - the rest of the job belonged to God - I really liked that. Took the pressure off.
btw - LOVE the post title!
August 7th, 2007 at 10:08 am
“pant leg”, not “let”
August 8th, 2007 at 9:23 am
Adam, your first experience with Centering Prayer sounds a lot like mine- I joined the Catholic Centering Prayer group my senior year in college and slaved through the discipline for several Monday nights until it became meaningful to me- if you search through old blog posts on my blog you can read a bit about a group that I put together last year at Princeton. Maybe you’d be interested in joining us this year? All I know is my personality type is suited to be more audibly and visually stimulated and slowing down and adhering to silence has been one of the biggest challenges and joys in my prayer life- those silences are soo meaningful to me throughout each week, and our Centering Prayer group at Princeton has been an awesome community with which to reflect on God’s silence…follow up with me if you’re interested!
August 12th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
adam,
i find the benefit similar to the benefit of being a pacifist… some of my friends jokingly call me the worst pacifist they know. my reply is usually, “That’s why I’m pacifist… because I need to be one.” It’s the same with centering prayer. I haven’t done it in a while and it’s very difficult at first, but i take that as i sign that i need to do it more often. when i practiced it more regularly i got a lot out of it.
i agree with erin that while personality type is important to consider it shouldn’t be a reason not to practice something that can grow areas of ourselves that need more exercise. anyway… for what it’s worth.
August 15th, 2007 at 10:20 am
centering prayer would be SO much easier if you got to pick any old word, a profane word even, instead of something holy. just imagine what a piece of cake it would have been if you could have picked “breasts” for your word. but then i guess it would be called de-centering prayer.
okay, on a serious note. this is where the buddhists have it going on. there’s no judgment for not being able to do it and you get to name this kind of antsiness as “thinking” and move on.
i suck at centering prayer, too, but it still makes me feel like i’ve been on vacation for a week if i can manage even ten minutes.
August 21st, 2007 at 2:02 am
Thomas Keating was the dude who made the boats on the river analogy, and your experience of your first time is exactly what he says will happen when you do centering prayer. If you showed up, then you did it right. There is no “good” centering prayer or “bad” centering prayer - it is what it is. All you are doing is showing up and creating space for the Divine.
And if it makes you feel any better - the director of my training program for spiritual directors said centering prayers never did anything for her, so she doesn’t really do it - and she’s a nun. So if centering prayer is hard for you, it doesn’t mean you’re insufficiently spiritual. And if you do it regularly for a few months, and it just doesn’t work for you, then try something else. There are lots of ways to create space for God, and centering prayer is just one of those ways.
August 21st, 2007 at 7:02 am
Thank you Christy! I had wondered who Fil had read! :)
August 25th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
Not to argue, but that’s kinds not the point. CP is a way of engaging in this understanding that it’s not us, but God, who is at work. If we could perceive God’s workings all the time we wouldn’t need practices such as these.
Fr. Keating also says that it is what transpires outside of the prayer time that shows “whether or not it works for you.” What happens during and after are connected but not the same, and one is used as the guage and not the other.
September 1st, 2007 at 9:53 am
the very left rev - I was thinking something very similar. First Adam, thanks for your transparency, I suck at prayer in general so I understand.
What it made me think of though is what the desert fathers and mothers say about meditation, contemplation, reflection, etc. When you do it, you let the experiences, the feelings, the thoughts and the sensations come without judgment. you let them come, you acknowledge them and you release them, always going back to your word and continuing on with the practice. The important part of that is WITHOUT JUDGMENT. and PRACTICE. We call them spiritual practices for a reason ;)
Your experience was a valuable one even if it wasn’t the one you thought you were supposed to have. you feel like a failure because of how we define “success” in the west and in Christianity. But the fact that you did it is enough and what you experienced was valuable…possibly more so than “success” (whatever that looks like anyway)
so be encouraged, you are in the same camp as the desert fathers. :)
December 7th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Adam I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now, and I love what you have to say on a lot of issues.
I have just taken the post of Pastor of Student Ministries at my church. I started as an interim and have moved into this. Exciting but scary as I feel very unprepared. I have not gone thru any seminary but plan to. We are a Non Denom that has a lot of Post modern leanings, and it always excites me to see what is going on in God’s kingdom.
As far a centering prayer is concerned I am uninitiated, in fact this is the first time I have ever come across this. But I will say that I have prayer times that are focused per your definition of centering prayer.
I find that a few things help me here…
First I humble my self before the lord, “its not about me God”
Then I focus on Gods Kingdom, usually I say things like God I want to see your will done in community “x” or situation “x”.
Usually this brings about the presence of the Holy Spirit for me. I agree with others here in that personality has a lot to do with it. I am a very audio person so if worship music or even an instrumental is on, I am much more able to focus.
Another thing that helps me is If I simply acknowledge that I am stuck or that I can not do what ever task.
I hope this helps and is not off base.
Thanks for the Blog
Shawn