I didn’t mention this on the previous day’s post…guess I wasn’t sure how to. But Sarah did on her blog. We’ve spent quite a few days this week trying to figure out how the Walker Cleaveland marriage handles (or rather, doesn’t handle) conferences. I am an odd mix of introvert and extrovert, and I do get a lot of energy from large crowds, seeing friends (new and old ones), networking, etc. So…I haven’t been the best husband this weekend. Example? I forgot to introduce my wife to someone.
Sarah doesn’t. In fact, her post was entitled: Conferences:Marriage::Pineapple:Pizza. I didn’t get it at first, but then I realized that she really doesn’t like pineapple on her pizza. At all.
So…I guess the question I have is for those who have dealt with this before, whether it’s conferences or something else? How have you navigated these types of differences and situations in your marriage?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
very carefully. hehe…I think it takes a lot of give and take, communication and intuitiveness. Usually, one person or the other is willing to “bend” (compromise) more than the other. It takes a certain intuitiveness to sense when the other person is needing more grace at that moment. Some of this comes with time but I think a lot of it comes through communication “do you see how cranky I am right now? it’s because I am at the end of my “socializing” rope and I need to decompress, please can we leave?” And then the next time, he knows what my “we need to leave now” face looks like.
Marriage, at least in the short 8 years I’ve had to explore this - is very much about being fully present and being intuitive and aware of the other as well as of your own emotions and then learning how to best communicate and navigate those situations through experience.
In my five years of marriage, what I’ve learned is that there isn’t anything wrong with having things that we do apart from each other. We don’t have many activities that we do apart, but there are some. That frees us to really be present for each other when we are together.
I think it is important for couples to maintain their identities as individuals and as a couple.
Um, 18 yrs of marriage…try taking a vacation with your three teens and spouse. Lots of…challenges.
Or try negotiating to change the day one family or the other celebrates Thanksgiving or Christmas. My folks are divorced, so we have three different gatherings to schedule (in addition to our own). And since my wife and I are from families with 7-8 members each, and each of these is married and has different sets of inlaws…
We talk it out. It’s kinda like “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling…” But it’s not worth getting all bent out of shape about. You gotta roll with the punches…but you better not be going for the jugular of the other.
Why must a “marriage” do a conference?
Elaine
Norman, OK
I agree with Brian. Marriage isn’t about doing everything together. If you are secure in your marriage you allow each other to do things they are interested in - which you aren’t - and not feel jealous or threatened. Marriage did not make you one person. Enjoy your time together - enjoy your time apart. The balance is what is important.
Married to an extrovert for 19 years. Before marriage we went to a conference together as not-even-engaged-yet people and I remember wanting to read by myself (a respite from being pecked to death constantly as solo pastor in tiny town church) or talk one-on-one with some new people BF wanted to hang out constantly together and with big crowds. It’s something we’ve worked out in that we just do our own thing sometimes. (like today even)
I’m an INFP married to another INFP (for 12 years). She’s more extroverted than I am.
I sometimes consider her so much a part of me that I forget that I need to introduce her to others. She’s gotten good at introducing herself, making light of the error, and not holding a grudge. She knows how much I *hate* big social events.
She’s also Catholic and I’m just now returning to the Presbyterian church after a long absence. I’m very comfortable in Presbyterian church settings (for the most part). It’s interesting seeing the shoe be on the other foot when she comes to my church/church camp and is a bit nervous or out of her element.
A good marriage eventually turns into s synergy where the holes in one are automatically plugged by the abilities of the other - so fast that nobody realizes that it’s even happening.
Oh, and everybody else is right - there’s plenty of room for “me” activities in an “us” relationship. In fact, it’s required for each of us to stay healthy. Sometimes the other person comes along, and sometimes not. It’s finding a good balance that’s important.
Adam,
I looked for you a couple of times but didn’t see you.
Sometimes I forget to introduce Kris too; it annoys me but Kris understands me well. It was fun for me to introduce her to Tom Wright and a bundle of others.
I love conferences too, buzzing around like a social butterfly, meeting up with people, going from seminar to seminar for 5-minute spurts and moving on to the next. My strategy here allows me to catch more content than the average person, b/c most seminars take the whole hour unpacking 1 idea, and 5 minutes is enough to catch it for me.
My wife, not so much, so when we’re at a conference together, I’ll do the conference thing, and we release her to do her own thing, visit local art museums and to have solitude time.
When we’re actually together, we’ll just talk to different people and point across the room to each other if they want to know we’re married.
My two cents: I rather enjoy pineapples on pizza. I don’t really know where that leaves me.