Sarah and I have been married for just over 2 months now, and last week, I had my first little run-in with grief.
Now, I know that sounds horrible, but we don’t often talk about the loss that comes with marriage. I wasn’t prepared for it, that’s for sure. Growing up, when I thought of getting married, I think I had visions of happy newlyweds pretty much just having sex 24/7. I wasn’t really prepared for all of the psychological changes and other aspects of marital bliss. And it hit me last week, just the loss of pretty much everything I was comfortable with and used to. The loss of Princeton (not a location that I absolutely loved, but a place I have grown used to for the past 2 years). The loss of friends I know. The loss of my own independence. The loss of my own money (and sure, my own debt…I had really grown attached to my lovely, little debt…). The loss of the ability to do whatever I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. The loss of my singleness.
And when you add all of these losses up, it feels like a loss of me.
Grieving is typically associated with death - and we think it occurs when something "bad" happens. But grief can also come about after really good things, like marriage. Being married is a wonderful, amazing, very unique thing; a relationship that I hope one day all people will be able to experience, if they desire it. But it’s a dramatic change - and grief can come along with that. At first it scared me. Grief? Loss? Why am I feeling these emotions? Is this bad? Wrong?
With Sarah’s help, I think I’m learning to lean into the loss, to own it, to accept it for what it is, and know that it’s not bad. It’s a part of this whole process of losing part of one’s self and growing into a new me. A new me that is different and joined to another. A me that is unfamiliar…a little uncomfortable at times.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Very true . . . and well put. Almost all the significant decisions we make in our lives involves giving up things that have been significant in the past. Part of the marital process is living into the new reality, the new us. Sometimes that’s great fun. Other times it sucks.
You go through it all again when the kids come.
When I was in seminary I read a book in a pastoral care of families class by Herbert Anderson called Promising Again. The book itself wasn’t that great for the entire premise was summed up in the title. Anderson believes that part of marriage is the continuing renewal of the marriage vows as we go through the transitions of life. When we are “courting” (to use the old word) we put on our best faces (even when we think we are being honest and open with the other), and so our vow or promise is based on that vision of self and other. However, as we settle in, or when kids come, or any of the other transitions in life, the mental promises we made don’t connect with our current realities. Thus, part of the dance of marriage is the renewal (promising again) of the terms of the covenant through those stages. This may not be a ritualized event, but simply an understanding about the season we are entering into.
Grive on, O scion of pomomusings. It’s a healthy part of the process.
Love the honesty and yes, when the kids come, it comes again, and harder I thought. But there rewards and it’s good to see you seeking and finding them.
Normal, though not talked about much.
…and that’s a lot of change in your life all at once.
i think this is so good adam. you have identified much that many gloss over or shame themselves for when they feel these emotions. by owning them and acknowledging them you will strengthen your marriage instead of weakening it. it is the paradox we miss so often and it affects us and our marriages deeply.
feeling the grief instead of putting on the happy face is a much healthier choice and it’s so great that you wrote about it here so others will know they aren’t alone. thank you!
Yeah Adam, but at least you still got all that 24/7 sex!
Adam have you read much of Henry Nouwen and his interpretation of the sacred core? I think in this time you would find it quite interesting. A good discourse on it is in CLowning Around in Rome in the section on celibacy.
Adam, I’ve found your blog great over the last year I’ve been lurking and reading it.
But I have to say, thanks.
Thanks for being honest–I felt a lot of these same things and sometimes still do.
I’ll be married for 5 years now and I can’t think of living without Jill, but these dynamics are key to not just understand, but honor. All the best, bro. I’ll be praying for you.
Yes, you go through it all over again when kids come, but you also will go through losing a part of your wife as well…She wont just be there to be “yours” anymore, for several intense years you’ll lose her too in a way. Its all worth it though, and you get to see a side of each other that only parenting brings out, but its just realistic to know its coming and recognize it when it does.
Adam - you are right there is a sense of loss that comes with almost every great turning point in our lives, especially marriage. I remember feeling the same way, I think we all have this feeling both husbands and wives, it just manifest itself in different ways.
So true. I recently experienced alot of grief as I moved away from home for the first time after college. I lost some of my friends to physical distance and some to marriage. This in addition to living in a completely new place.
I’ve come to recognize, like you, that grief can come with any loss. Its normal, but not always accepted. I’ve also learned to try to recognize the grief people may be experiencing in terms of worship. Not everyone walks into a worship event happy and ready to sing happy praise songs. Some people are experiencing times of deep grief. Hopefully, as a worship leader, I am able to recognize that and allow God to meet people where they are.
Hi Bro,
I appreciate you sharing how you are doing. It seems that when you get married, you are supposed to share how happy it is, which it can be along with some of the feelings you have expressed. I will never forget that sinking feeling I got about 2 weeks after Kristin and I got married. I felt like all of the great times I had when I was single were gone forever. It truly was a grieving process for me. I am glad that Kristin was realistic and did not take it personally! I hope you are doing well and Princeton (not necessarily the place, but the people…me) misses you. Hang in there.
David
Cleave–
I went though something simular. I was 29 when I got married–I was used to being single. The first three months were hard for me personaly and priviately–I didn’t share my feeling with my new wife. I felt guilty about feeling the loss you discribe. After nearly ten years of a wonderful marriage I feel like a lucky guy–I wouldn’t change a thing. I think things get better with time–especially when you have a great partner (which it sounds like you do). Hang in there. –JOHN S.
I loved your blog. It gave me real insight into the inner workings of a man. Especially my man soon to be husband. Wow! Good to know we are not alone on this journey called marriage. Bring it on!